What Happy People Know

Have you ever wondered what it is that happy people know that drives them to be happy? It’s an interesting idea. For example, How can someone who has been through heartache and loss be happy? Or how can someone who continues to fail in their pursuits be happy? Or how can someone who can’t seem to have one civil conversation with their teenager be happy?

Most of us can get tied up in happiness as a checklist. When I have the perfect job and fall in love, or my kid graduates and I have the home of my dreams, or when I’m out of debt and traveling the world, then I’ll be happy. And we seem to continually add something to the checklist that prolongs our happiness. 

The truth is that happiness isn’t derived from external achievements or relationships. For the most part, you can’t even control those things. So if you subscribe to that philosophy then you are putting your happiness in someone else’s hands. Perhaps it’s because you actually believe that those things will make you happy or because you don’t know how to create your own happiness.

Create your own happiness

What happy people know is that happiness begins with a deep authentic connection with oneself. Not a connection with a career, or a partner, or a bank account. Happiness begins with knowing yourself and connecting with what really matters to you. 

Self-connection requires turning inward and becoming more aware of your thoughts, feelings, values, and desires. It involves considering your own needs and aspirations absent of external influences. This connection is not something that happens overnight but involves ongoing reflection through mindfulness and introspection to honestly understand your true self.

A meta-analysis of mindfulness-based interventions, published in the Clinical Psychology Review, concluded that mindfulness practices significantly enhance the well-being of participants by promoting heightened self-awareness. These practices were shown to not only increase positive emotions but also reduce symptoms of stress and anxiety, demonstrating a strong link between mindfulness (a method of connecting with oneself) and improved happiness.

Barriers to Self-Connection

Easier said than done, you say. I get it. When I was working in my corporate career, supporting my family and trying to be the best mom I could be I didn’t have time for self-reflection, or so I thought. Once I started practicing it, I wished I’d incorporate it earlier. It not only helped me feel more in control and aligned my decisions with what I wanted and needed, it improved all of my relationships.

In addition to feeling like you don’t have a spare second to devote to self-reflection there can also be the fear of going against societal expectations or even what you might discover when you start your internal exploration. For me it seemed too Woo Woo. You know what I’m talking about. I was a corporate badass in a male-dominated industry. Getting in touch with my own feelings sounded like being the overly emotional girl at the party. And I know it’s not just me.

Case Study

My client Maria is a 47-year-old executive at a tech company and a mother of two teenagers. Her days are packed with back-to-back meetings, managing team projects, and attending her children’s extracurricular activities. Despite her successful career and active family life, Maria feels disconnected from her own needs and desires. The relentless pace of her daily schedule leaves little room for self-reflection or personal activities that she enjoys.

Maria often finds herself automatically moving from one task to another without pausing to consider her own state of mind. Her only downtime is late at night, which she spends catching up on emails or household tasks, further depleting her energy. Over time, Maria started to feel a sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction, despite her external achievements. She recognized a growing sense of unhappiness but struggled to identify its source due to her constant busyness.

I worked with Maria to integrate more introspection and mindfulness into her days. After just a few months she began feeling more in control, more confident in her professional life, and enjoyed more relaxed time with her family.

What happy people know is that being happy is a decision. It starts with listening to what you want and need and then taking action accordingly.

Practical Strategies for Enhancing Self-Connection

Implementing reflection and mindfulness doesn’t have to take hours. I coach most of my clients to start with fifteen minutes morning and night. In the morning set aside time for yourself to reflect on your top focus area for the day and how you want to feel. Do this before you allow anyone or anything else in. That means no looking at your phone until you decide how you want to show up. Otherwise, the plethora of messages and emails will decide for you.

This activity can look like quiet breathing or meditation, journaling or a solo walk outside. The important part is to focus on you and what you need. And then to listen. Allow whatever you’re telling yourself to seep in and then set your tone for the day.

In the evening I start by celebrating myself. What felt good that day, what I accomplished and what I let go of. I also spin through my plan for the following day and confirm how I want to spend my time so that I feel more prepared and less reactive in the morning.

It’s easy to skip over either of these reflection periods. But, I promise you, the 30 minutes you gift yourself will be well worth it. Try habit stacking to help with the consistency. This is where you tie a new habit to an already established habit to increase the likelihood that it will happen. The point is to change the way you respond to your environment by changing the way you think about yourself and your place in your surroundings.

• “It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.” ― Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

Purpose and Connection for Happiness

When you show up in a way that feels good, a way that feels authentic to you, your energy shifts. As this authenticity starts to feel more comfortable your actions and your attitude shift. When you are clear about what you want and what you need, you can communicate more effectively and establish boundaries more confidently. This clarity prevents misunderstandings and builds deeper, more meaningful connections with others, contributing to overall happiness. So by spending more time to understand and reflect what you need, you are enhancing your connections with those around you.

Self-connection also often leads to a clearer sense of purpose and direction in life. Understanding personal strengths and passions allows you to pursue goals that bring you joy and satisfaction. This sense of purpose is linked to higher levels of happiness, as it provides a motivating force that drives personal and professional endeavors.

Conclusion

I know it’s cliché, but happiness is a choice. It starts with introspection and self-connection to understand who you truly are and what you need for that person to come alive. You may encounter some discomfort as you start to peel back the onion, but don’t give up. We all have challenges and trauma in our past (although it’s not all created equal) that needs exploration and acknowledgment in order to move forward. Embrace the opportunity to learn more about yourself and discover what millions of happy people know. No matter your circumstances, you can be happy today, if you only decide to be.

Grab my free guide on the 7 Essential Traits of High Achieving Women for more tips.