The Illusion of Control

Courage over Control

We all crave a sense of control over our lives. It gives us a feeling of safety and predictability in a world that is inherently unpredictable. However, most often control is an illusion. No matter how meticulously you plan or how hard you try to manage every detail, life often has other plans. And if you stop and really look at it, you honestly have little to no control over many of the things you are trying to control, anyway. 

The truth is, your need for control can hinder your ability to grow and build confidence. Acknowledging the illusion of control allows you to let go of unrealistic expectations and opens the door to true courage and self-assurance. The first step is to cultivate the courage to let go, allow what happens, and trust that you will b able to figure it out.

Confidence Through Courage

Confidence is a choice, even when you’re trying something new. It’s not about controlling every step, but about the willingness to try, despite the uncertainty. You can tell yourself that you’re going to fail or that you’ll do your best; either way, building your self-esteem is about taking that step. (Psst, I would tell yourself you’ll do your best.) Recognizing that control is an illusion helps you to approach new challenges with a mindset focused on effort rather than outcomes.

Control is not Confidence

You may be thinking, “That’s the problem. I don’t have the confidence to take that step.” But you do have a choice in how you feel about a situation and what you tell your brain. And what you tell yourself changes how you show up. There’s no shame in doing your best, so you should always have confidence in that.

When you understand that control is an illusion, it becomes easier to take courageous steps. If you’re a mom, when you had your first child, did you worry about confidence? Probably not. You just decided that you could be a mom and you went for it. Even though self-doubt sets in from time to time, you keep showing up in your role as a mom. That’s courage, and it stems from embracing the uncertainty and the lack of control in parenting.

The Courage to Decide

Increasing your self-worth starts with deciding who you want to be every day and showing up that way. If your vision for yourself is out of alignment with how you show up, then your confidence wanes. And that’s often where we try to control. Congruence leads to confidence. I encourage you to spend time every morning reflecting on who you want to be that day and see how it changes how you feel about yourself.

Self-esteem also grows with competence. Decide to try, learn from it, and grow. Try again or move on to the next stage. No one gains confidence by waiting. Confidence requires action. Did you notice that I didn’t say anything about being perfect or knowing it all? That’s not confidence. That’s being unrealistic and is tied to the illusion of control. Letting go of this illusion allows you to focus on progress rather than perfection.

Embracing Courage Over Control

I know I am a work in progress and am constantly working on my self-worth. You may know that I made a courageous move in April 2019 when I resigned from the traditional workforce. I left because I could not figure out how to be the kind of executive I wanted to be and the kind of mom I wanted to be at the same time. It had been something I’d thought about since my youngest son was born in 2005. It took me fifteen years to take action. And once I did, my confidence soared.

Your next move might not be on that kind of scale, but you can build confidence simply by deciding. Deciding you are enough and you are meant for more. Not only will your self-esteem grow, but your kids will see you, and realize that they can be courageous, too. And they will be so proud.

Control is an Illusion

When you understand that control is an illusion you will lighten your load. Building confidence requires that you recognize where you can let go. Many of us try to control every aspect of our lives, believing it will lead to success and happiness. However, the more we try to control, the more we realize how little control we actually have.

According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, individuals who perceive a higher sense of control over their lives often report lower levels of stress and higher life satisfaction. However, this perceived control is often just that—perception. Life’s unpredictability always finds a way to remind us that control is an illusion.

The Control Freak Dilemma

Being a control freak can be a significant barrier to building confidence. A control freak is someone who feels compelled to control every situation and detail, often leading to stress and frustration when things don’t go as planned.

Research shows that people who exhibit control freak tendencies often suffer from higher anxiety and lower life satisfaction. Letting go of the need to control everything and accepting that some things are beyond your control can be liberating and can significantly boost your confidence.

Confidence Through Acceptance

One of the most critical steps in building confidence is accepting that control is an illusion. When you accept that you cannot control every outcome, you free yourself from the pressure to be perfect and the fear of failure. This acceptance allows you to focus on what you can control—your actions, your responses, and your attitude.

A study by the American Psychological Association found that individuals who practice acceptance and mindfulness report higher levels of self-esteem and confidence. This shift in mindset can help you approach new challenges with a positive attitude and the willingness to try, knowing that success is not defined by control but by effort and growth.

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Conclusion: Choose Confidence, Embrace the Journey

Confidence is not about being perfect or controlling every aspect of your life. It’s about the willingness to try, to take action, and to learn from every experience. Remember, control is an illusion, and being a control freak only holds you back. Embrace the journey, accept that you are a work in progress, and choose confidence every day.

By deciding to show up as your best self, even in the face of uncertainty, you inspire those around you, including your children, to do the same. Confidence is a choice, and it’s one you can make every single day.