I just moved back to the city. A new city where not only do I not have any friends, other than my husband, but I’m not a fluent speaker of the language. Twenty-one years ago, we showed up in Denver, CO with a newborn. The only person I knew was an old friend from elementary school who I hadn’t seen in over ten years. Prior to that, I’d moved to Chicago, IL knowing only one person who moved away three months later and before that I’d moved to Madrid, Spain knowing only a college roommate who was living there with her boyfriend. So you could say I know what it’s like to feel alone.
Of course, I’ve felt alone at other times in my life, as well. Loneliness isn’t a factor of how many people you surround yourself with, but about the connections you have. Whether you’re moving to a new city, don’t feel good enough, or just feel that you aren’t relating to the people in your circle, it’s normal to feel alone from time to time. In fact, early in 2024 a survey by the American Psychiatric Association found that 30% of U.S. adults experienced feelings of loneliness at least once a week over the past year.
The Recent Flood in Valencia: A Wake-Up Call
Last week in my new city of Valencia, Spain, there was a horrific flood across the province. Earlier in the week we had scheduled to meet up with an acquaintance of a good friend for coffee but they canceled because of the pending storm. It was the largest storm forecast they’d seen after four years in Valencia. I want to start by saying that where we are living, we were not and are not in the path of flooding. (Mom, I don’t want you to worry.)
The storm came on Sunday, with some light rain and a little wind. There was a break on Monday with some sun but the clouds moved in again that evening. We heard the rain on the windows and looking out we saw no racing water or reasons to be concerned. It rained off and on Tuesday. The wind was strong at times and I don’t think we left the apartment that day. We again heard some rain overnight, but in the morning it was very light. The day was mostly gray with some drizzle and light rain.
Just after 8pm, we received an emergency alert to stay put and not move around the province of Valencia. Looking out our window, again, we saw no issues. The alert seemed to be speaking to other ends of the province. We received a similar emergency alert Wednesday morning. That’s when I plugged into the news and saw the devastation.
I started to follow the events, the rising death toll, and educate myself on the climate and flooding history of the area. It was surreal. I was in this big city and did not even know what was going on just a few miles from me. How could I not feel alone and isolated?
Getting into Action
I felt a bit of shock, confusion, and a little stupidity for not knowing what was happening in my community. It sent me into a mode of understanding. A mode of wanting to be more aware and connected to the people I was living with and around. I began to look for ways to help. I was willing to find a shovel and start digging out mud if they’d let me! (Later I realized that I was not equipped for this work, having brought little more than a suitcase of clothes with me and the store shelves were slow to restock given the significant road closures in the area.)
As I began to look at how I could support others, I began to feel more connected. More a part of the community. They were accepting donations for clothes, toiletries, food, and blood. I could do that! And so the real community integration began. I found more outlets for information that allowed me to give my time and money that allowed me to show my support for my neighbors.
We can all fight against loneliness by engaging in random acts of kindness.
-Gail Honeyman
Helping as a Bridge to Connection
It might seem counterintuitive, but helping others is a lifeline for yourself. If you’re feeling alone, not sure how to connect with those in your circle, look for an opportunity to volunteer. Helping others can be a powerful way to connect and create a sense of community, both for you and those you reach out to. Additionally, you will meet new people that can lead to genuine relationships over a shared experience. Even small gestures can help.
Following are some actionable ways you can reach out to create a sense of community:
- Volunteer for local initiatives like cleanup after natural events, helping at the humane society, or working at the local food bank
- Get to know your neighbors by offering small acts of kindness or checking in
- Join local events or community groups focused on giving back
- Extend a helping hand online through local forums or social media groups.
I’m in some expat groups on Facebook for Valencia. My brain has been spinning about how I can bring them together to do more good. I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.
Reach Out to Find Belonging
If feelings of loneliness are constant, seek professional help. Allow a therapist or coach to help guide you to a place of joy. If you feel alone from time to time, consider reaching out to others and finding out how you can support them. Even one small step will help. You might find a new calling and even a new friend. By helping others, you’re helping yourself and potentially creating a ripple effect of connection.
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I’ve been coaching people to be their best for over twenty years and love seeing them thrive as they adjust the lens they’re looking through. As a mom of teengaers, I realized that I could use my talent to help moms feel less frustrated, isolated and defeated as their kids navigate the challenging teen years. Helping my clients improve their relationship with themselves and honor their needs is my superpower. You’ll love how your energy shifts and your interactions become more positive after working together! I’m excited for you to experience more peace and confidence and live the life you’re meant to live.
