Emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is an interesting topic. We often think of intelligence as something tied to logic and reasoning, but that’s not at all what we think of emotions. Emotions are talked about as something we need to control; something that needs to be kept in check. But emotions are a way of regulating your nervous system. They aren’t something that you want to control, but to understand. That understanding then allows you to respond with a more logical emotion. That’s how I think of emotional intelligence.

Whether you’re traveling to a new country, leading a family or a large organization, emotional intelligence plays an important part in your success.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence, also referred to as EQ Theory, is the ability to manage your own emotions and understand the emotions of those around you. It became popular when introduced by Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence. Why it can matter more than IQ.

Following are the five components of Emotional Intelligence:

Self-Awareness: The ability to understand one’s own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, values, and motives. It involves recognizing how your feelings affect you and your performance.

Self-Regulation: The ability to manage or redirect disruptive emotions and impulses and adapt to changing circumstances. This includes self-control, trustworthiness, conscientiousness, adaptability, and innovation.

Empathy: The ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people. This includes the skill in treating people according to their emotional reactions and understanding their needs, wants, and viewpoints.

Social Skills: Proficiency in managing relationships and building networks. This includes the ability to find common ground and build rapport, influence, lead, and develop others, and manage conflict.

Motivation: A passion for work that goes beyond money or status, and a propensity to pursue goals with energy and persistence. This involves being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement.

If you consider the US society, a lot of these elements are unfortunately missing. I’m sure you can think of situations when you’ve seen people arguing without being interested in why the other person believes a certain way. They are listening to interrupt and dispute rather than to understand. They may be completely unaware of what their own emotions are telling them or why. This can lead to personal disagreements, professional conflicts and impact the cultures of organizations.

Now consider a US tourist in another country. We bring in our own perspective from the vastness of the United States, our regional affiliations and cultural norms and lay that on top of the culture we are visiting. I’ve seen Americans bulldoze in with judgments and expectations that don’t map to the experiences of the people who are hosting us. And we often don’t even realize it. When I was a young traveler in Europe, I remember the Canadian backpackers having a maple leaf sewn into their backpacks so as not to be confused with obnoxious, ignorant Americans who didn’t bother to learn anything about the people they were interacting with. The Americans assumed there was only one way, their way. And we still often do. 

It Starts with Understanding

So what do we do about it? The first step is to realize when an emotion comes up for you. Stop and notice it. Try to get perspective on where it’s coming from. Is it based on fact or your own perspective and judgments? Is it something you can control or should control? How significant is the impact on you?

Most often our own judgments are tied to weaknesses we perceive about ourselves and not really anything to do with the other person. Check your emotions and then decide what to do about them. It could be as simple as stopping to breathe for a minute. Or perhaps, a morning routine that sets your intention and your mindset for the day can make a difference. The key is to stop and notice so that you can respond in a way logical and effective way rather than react without a thought.

My free guide on the 7 Essential Habits of High Achieving Women can help with this.

The Emotions of Others

As stated above, empathy is core component to emotional intelligence. The ability to see something from someone else’s perspective and let them know you see them is significant. Almost a year ago, I introduced a new approach into my group coaching programs that brings the group closer by doing just this. It’s made such a difference in the engagement of the participants and has brought so much more value to them as individuals. When people feel safe and understood connections are made much more easily and learning is more engrained.

When you are frustrated or annoyed by someone else’s actions, habits, or customs, get curious. Why do they act in that way? What cultural perspective or limitation has been passed down? What benefit are they getting or challenge are they managing?

My family has always seen me as incredibly organized and structured, and it drives them crazy. They even poke fun of me for it. The truth is that if I don’t feel that I have a handle on the things that are important, I am incredibly anxious and can’t get anything done. I feel like I’m swirling and don’t know where to start. Being organized allows me to prioritize and ensure that the right things and the right people are getting my time and attention. Without it, I would be a hot mess on the floor most days.

I’m not organized because I want to control everything. I am structured so that I can show up the way I want to for my family, friends, and clients and feel okay not getting things done. I know what actually needs to be accomplished and can spend the rest of my time where I want to. When I shared this with my husband, he started to appreciate my desire for structure and now actually asks for help getting himself organized. 

Conclusion

Emotional intelligence is all about being curious and then responding accordingly. I didn’t address the last two elements – social skills and motivation – but you can see how they fit in. If you’re managing your own emotions and getting curious about the actions and emotions of others, it logically follows that you are growing your social skills and your ability to connect and to lead. And when you are clear on what brings you joy and what doesn’t, and focus on feeling that consistently, it will lead you to work that you are passionate about. 

So the next time you feel frustrated, annoyed, or unclear on your best next step, get curious. Give yourself time to understand what’s at the root and take a step. It might not be the perfect step, but if you pause to understand you can learn and adjust.